From Friend Bill V.- Humor

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT   These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:   FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.     8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!    FREE PUPPIES     1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.    FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.   COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.     Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY!  Must sell washer and dryer £100.   WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .     Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.   **** And the WINNER is... ****   FOR SALE BY OWNER.     Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.    Statement of the Century       Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.     "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"   Children Are Quick     TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.   (I want to adopt this kid!!!) TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH      Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off