Translation from English

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

From Friend Bill V.- Humor


 
 BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
 
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.    
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
   

FREE PUPPIES
    
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
   

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
 
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY

Must sell washer and dryer £100.  

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
 

**** And the WINNER is... ****
 
FOR SALE BY OWNER.    
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
   

Statement of the Century
      
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
     "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"  

Children Are Quick
    
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
  

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
 
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
     
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off