COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—After learning that the gun had been involved in a violent attack that left three dead, National Rifle Association representatives reportedly visited the Colorado Springs Police Department evidence room Monday to check up on the semi-automatic rifle used in Friday’s Planned Parenthood shooting. “It’s a little shaken up, but it should be okay—thank God,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, who appeared visibly distressed while kneeling down next to the assault-style rifle and gently placing his hand on the stock. “I’ve just been worried sick since I heard about the incident. It looks like it was dropped pretty hard, and it’s barely got any bullets left, but at least it’s resting safely now. I might just sleep here tonight to keep an eye on it.” LaPierre told reporters that he would do everything he could to help the rifle return home and get back working again soon.
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Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic
AMARILLO, TX—Expressing frustration with the lack of convenient locations in his area, deranged gunman and anti-abortion fanatic Jared Broussard reported Monday that he could not believe how far he would have to drive to find the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic. “You have to be kidding me; I figured I’d need to go 10, maybe 15 miles, tops, but the closest one is almost 250 miles away,” said a visibly exasperated Broussard, adding that he would have to scrap his plans for the entire day and leave right now if he wanted to reach the health care provider before it closed this evening. “God, the nearest one isn’t even in this state. It’s actually faster for me to drive across the border to Santa Fe, and even then it’s still a four-hour trip. That barely leaves me enough time to buy ammo.” Broussard added that, given the length of the drive, he was thankful that he would likely not have to make a round trip.