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Tips For Conquering Phobias
Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:
- Before beginning any treatment, ask yourself if you really want to get rid of the one thing that makes you special.
- Empower yourself! Keep a short list handy of all the things that don’t scare you.
- Build your coping skills by going up a “fear ladder.” First, look at pictures of dentists. Then, look at a dentist through a window. Next, slowly approach one and pat him gently on the head, staying away from the ears and mouth. Soon, you’ll find yourself passing dentists on the street without fear.
- Make an appointment either with a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy or a psychiatrist who prescribes a whole bunch of pills.
- Learn some relaxation techniques for when you feel anxious, like slowly inhaling and exhaling chloroform.
- Remember, the engineers who designed the bridge are just as scared of you driving over it as you are.
Man Overjoyed He No Longer Has To Purchase Entire Day’s Worth Of Egg McMuffins In Morning
WAUKESHA, WI—Elated upon discovering the fast-food restaurant chain would now serve breakfast past 10:30 a.m., area man Dave Grenwald told reporters Tuesday that he was overjoyed he would no longer have to buy an entire day’s worth of Egg McMuffins from McDonald’s in the morning. “I used to have to get up early just so I could order eight or nine McMuffins all at once—I’d eat a couple right there, but then I’d have to lug around a half dozen others and microwave them throughout the afternoon,” said Grenwald, adding that his newfound ability to revisit McDonald’s for McMuffins over the course of an entire day would help ensure the sandwiches were consistently fresh and not soggy from sitting in his car for hours on end. “I sometimes thought it might be better if I just ate every one of my Egg McMuffins as soon as I got them because there was no way to space out my purchases, but now I don’t have to. I can buy, say, four or five, then stock up again with another batch or two when I’m ready for more. Man, this is really going to streamline things.” At press time, Grenwald acknowledged he would still have to purchase four or five McMuffins ahead of time to reheat and consume overnight.
Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full
BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full. “I’ve nearly maxed out the aches and pains in his stomach and pumped out a ton of sweat on his brow, but he just keeps on shoveling down waffle fries,” reported Dugan’s body, adding that it had already tried some nausea, abdominal bloating, and a bout of acid reflux, none of which had slowed Dugan’s consumption in the slightest. “I’m pretty much out of options at this point. Short of physically locking his jaw shut, I don’t know what else can be done.” At press time, the man’s body was briefly contemplating giving him a heart attack.
Man Desperately Trying To Wring Every Last Ounce Of Relaxation From Final Day Of Vacation
ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work. “My four-day weekend’s almost done, so I just need to really dig in and focus on taking it as easy as humanly possible,” said Rabe, adding that if he stayed up later than usual, he could probably cram in half a season of Daredevil on Netflix. “I already made the mistake of opening a work email, and I can’t get sidetracked like that again. I’m going to read a book—better yet, read it outside so I don’t have to do a separate activity to get some sun—then move straight to video games.” At press time, Rabe had spent at least a third of his day hopelessly distracted by his dread of returning to the office.
Police Satisfied After Drunk Man Assures Them There’s No Problem
SAN DIEGO—After stopping to question a visibly inebriated man who was seen stumbling on the sidewalk outside a local bar, police officers confirmed they were satisfied Saturday night once the individual assured them there was no problem. “Just before midnight we encountered an intoxicated male in his 30s who was shouting loudly, slurring his words, and propping himself up against a mailbox; however, after he informed us he was ‘totally good,’ we determined that no further action was needed,” officer Jack Bara said, adding that the man further confirmed the situation was under control by giving them a thumbs-up. “Once he steadied himself and reiterated that he was fine nine times in a row, we realized there was indeed no issue and moved along.” The officers stated that they waved the man’s car through a traffic stop roughly a half hour later, noting that the individual had earlier attested that he was “great 100 percent.”
Report: Only Predictor Of Happy Marriage Is If Husband Ever Won Wife Big Stuffed Animal At Amusement Park
CHICAGO—Citing it as the telltale indicator of long-term marital satisfaction, a report released Wednesday by the Family Institute at Northwestern University found that the sole predictor of a successful marriage is whether or not the husband ever won a big stuffed animal for his wife at a county fair or amusement park. “Whether it’s achieved by knocking over three milk cans with a ball or filling a clown’s mouth with a jet of water, we noted a direct correlation between the quality of love two married people experience and whether or not the husband ever successfully won a carnival game and thereby earned his wife a giant plush Tweety Bird or fuzzy blue bear,” said lead researcher Aaron Tolchinsky, who noted that if the husband pointed to the largest prize and said “You want that? I’ll get it for you,” before winning it, the couple had a 94 percent chance of reporting high levels of emotional, intellectual, and sexual fulfillment. “In addition, the size of the stuffed animal won for a wife was extremely accurate in predicting levels of satisfaction, with smaller prizes like rubber finger puppets or plastic backscratchers resulting in higher incidences of dissatisfaction and divorce.” The report added that if on the way home from a fair a husband tenderly placed his jacket over his wife’s shoulders, statistics indicated they would die of old age on the very same day.
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