NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers
Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from week eight of the NFL season:
Winners
- Peyton Manning: Experienced a glimmer of feeling in his hands while high-fiving teammates after win over Packers
- Houston Texans Defense: Proved they can completely shut down any Titans team in the NFL
- Steve Smith: Finally carted off into the sunset
Losers
- Mike McCarthy: Tough Sunday night loss leaves him searching for new ways to win with a top-tier defense and one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL
- Rob Ryan: Will be sore all week from pumping his fist after Saints’ one defensive stop
- Kansas City Chiefs, Detroit Lions: Rattled all day by a hostile Jaguars crowd
Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong
NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series. “It feels pretty great to finally shut up all the naysayers who actually continued following the postseason to this point,” said Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer, adding that the team rallied in the face of critics who—unlike the majority of baseball fans who immediately lost interest in the playoffs after the Yankees, Cubs, Cardinals, Pirates, and Dodgers were eliminated—claimed that the team would be easily swept by the surging Mets. “We heard it all: ‘The Royals don’t have enough star power to go all the way’; ‘Kansas City can’t compete with the big-market teams’; ‘Nobody gives a shit about the World Series this year or which team wins.’ But you know what, we never bought into that stuff. We always believed we could do it, and our win tonight speaks for itself.” Hosmer went on to say that the Royals’ World Series victory proved to the small number of Americans who still enjoy watching baseball that anything is possible.
Team Of Bikini-Clad Women Tend To Injured Dez Bryant In Cowboys’ Rehabilitation Grotto
DALLAS—Providing injured players with the very best in amenities, individualized training programs, and exotic Mediterranean fruits, a team of bikini-clad women tended to injured wide receiver Dez Bryant in the Dallas Cowboys’ state-of-the-art rehabilitation grotto, team sources confirmed Thursday. “This place is amazing—I’ve got access to top-of-the-line PT equipment, and I’ve been working really closely with Candi on plyometric strengthening exercises so I can get back on the field as quickly as possible,” said Bryant, sipping on a flute of champagne while several tanned, scantily dressed female trainers carefully stretched his hamstrings. “Lately, it’s just been Tony [Romo] and me swimming laps in the lily pond every morning, and I usually lie out on those sun-bathed limestone rocks and use the electrical muscle stimulation machine to recover after my workouts. Oh, and the private massage area behind the waterfall is really out of this world.” At press time, a group of giggling, topless women had emerged from the rehabilitation grotto’s hot spring after finishing their daily afternoon appointment with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.
Gruesome, Deformed Jason Pierre-Paul Lurking In Sewers Beneath MetLife Stadium
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Quietly navigating through the damp, pitch-black tunnels underneath the 82,500-seat arena, gruesome, deformed New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul was reportedly spotted Wednesday lurking in the sewers below MetLife Stadium. “They mustn’t see me—they mustn’t see me!” muttered Pierre-Paul, using his tattered Giants uniform and helmet to cover his scarred, disfigured body, with reports confirming that the grotesque sixth-year defensive lineman occasionally peeks through small cracks of concrete late in the fourth quarter when the stadium is mostly deserted. “I am a monster now, and I cannot go near the surface dwellers. The shadows...the shadows are my home.” At press time, Pierre-Paul was feasting on a bucket of raw fish left for him near a drainage grate by Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.
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