WE MAPPED TRUE DETECTIVE’SWILDLY IMPLAUSIBLE ROAD TRIPS
True Detective was nearly incomprehensible this season. Disposable characters, red herrings, dropped plot points, dropped people, diversions, constant useless whispering, misdirection and the most convoluted, pretentious dialogue this side of Cormac McCarthy’s The Counselor. It meant nothing, because it tried to mean everything. But whatever. It’s an anthology series. The slate will be wiped clean and hopefully next season the show is able to dislodge its head from its own ass and become actual watchable television again.
But the narrative misfires weren’t the greatest sin committed by Nic Pizzolatto. At least he took a big cut at hitting that existential grand slam. Fail hard, sir! No, the worst offenses in True Detective season two were vehicular in nature. Ani Bezzerides, Frank Semyon, Paul Woodrugh, and Ray Velcoro were all on their own twisted journeys towards purpose, but even more twisty than that were the literal physical journeys they went on over the course of eight (or maybe seven, depending) episodes.
Time and time again, these people defied the laws of man and nature, driving up and down the coast of California – the tallest state in America – as if it was Rhode Island. “Let’s go to Guerneville!” is a fun thing to say if you live in San Francisco, but when you live in Los Angeles, it means planning a road trip and taking vacation time. But not for the law enforcement trio at the center of True Detective, where driving to and from Monterey in a single day while fielding all your other duties and responsibilities is apparently NBD.
What follows is the complete guide to the absurd distances traveled by the cast of True Detective in season two, in advance of tonight’s season finale. And it all begs the question: If these writers don’t understand simple geography, how could we ever have expected them to give us a coherent narrative? (And yes, this piece is about twice as long as it needs to be—just like True Detective.)
Episode 1
Duration: One day
Approximate Date: October
Approximate Day Length: 11 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 6:00 pm
Characters: Ani Bezzerides, Elvis, and the bird-masked assassin
Approximate Date: October
Approximate Day Length: 11 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 6:00 pm
Characters: Ani Bezzerides, Elvis, and the bird-masked assassin
The premiere episode came out with a bang, establishing early just how little the show cares for road laws and the speed at which the Earth spins.
As background, here’s a primer on where our characters live: The city of Vinci is modeled off the city of Vernon, California, which is basically a part of Los Angeles. Ray Velcoro lives in Vinci. Paul Woodrugh works for the California Highway Patrol, and while we don’t know the town he lives in, it is definitely near Los Angeles. Bezzerides works for the Ventura County Sheriff’s Department, and lives somewhere in the county she serves. She shows up at the beach at one point, so we assume she lives near water in the actual city of Ventura. And there you have it.
Ani starts her day kicking a dude out of her apartment. Trying to bust up an alleged sex ring. Fights with her sister. Then goes to deliver an eviction notice to some woman. This is all fine. But considering Ani left for work in the daylight and the sun comes up at around 7:00 am in October, we’re guessing it’s at least noon by the time she delivers the notice – and this is a generously early estimate. But we have to be generous, because then Ani and her partner Elvis take a trip “up north” to see her dad at the Panticapaeum Institute, which is totally reasonable until you realize it’s located in Big Sur.
How do we know this? Well, for starters, the setting for Panticapaeum is the Esalen Institute (which was also recently seen in the finale of Mad Men), a coastal cliffs retreat located just south of Big Sur, California. You could say “Hollywood uses places like UCLA as a stand in for any college in movies, though. Maybe they meant for Panticapeaum to be down south!” Maybe. Yes. But there are so many references to “up north” throughout season two—specifically communes in Sonoma County, Guerneville and Monterey— that it’s a pretty safe bet this retreat is in the same wildly broad “up north” classification. Ani and Elvis drive up, because who has phones anymore? She stays long enough to get into a fight with him and storm off, then drive four hours all the way back home in full daylight. Totally worth it.
Yes, she could logistically manage all this in a day, but the idea of her getting to Big Sur before sundown after herreally full morning then going all the way back home is nuts. Nuts!
Approximate Distance Traveled: 420 miles round trip from Ventura, CA to Big Sur, CA
Approximate Drive Time: 8 hours (round trip with no traffic)
Approximate Drive Time: 8 hours (round trip with no traffic)
Episode 4
Duration: One day
Approximate Date: October
Approximate Day Length: 11 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 6:00 pm
Approximate Date: October
Approximate Day Length: 11 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 6:00 pm
Characters: Ani Bezzerides and Ray Velcoro
Episodes 2 and 3 were light on travel, probably because Bezzerides needed to save her energy for her e4 jaunt up the coast with Velcoro. She’s heading back up to the Panticapaeum Institute for more investigating and family infighting, and since the four-hour drive north has become routine at this point, she and Ray add an extra leg to their road trip.
We’ve already established that heading up to the Monterey Bay area from LA on a whim is ridiculous, but as long as you’re up north, why not veer over into Fresno to look at some grass? “Let’s just take a three-hour drive inland to check on something.” Your tax dollars at work, everyone!
But hey, you’ve already driven seven hours today, so how about a motel room for the night before you head back home? Nope! Not for Ani Bezzerides! Ani doesn’t just drive the the entire southern half of California in less than a day—she does it in time to be suspended for sexual assault allegations as the bright daylight shines through the window of her police station window. Whhhhaaaaatttttt???
Approximate Distance Traveled: 620 miles round trip from Ventura, CA to Big Sur, CA to Fresno, CA and back to Ventura for Bezzerides and Velcoro.
Approximate Drive Time: 10.5 hours round trip with no traffic. If you’re paying attention, that’s just 30 minutes short of all the available daylight hours.
Approximate Drive Time: 10.5 hours round trip with no traffic. If you’re paying attention, that’s just 30 minutes short of all the available daylight hours.
Episode 5
Duration: Daylight hours of a single day
Approximate Date: January 1st
Approximate Day Length: 10 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 5:00 pm
Approximate Date: January 1st
Approximate Day Length: 10 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 5:00 pm
Characters: Ani Bezzerides and Paul Woodrugh
After starting her day with some sisterly bonding at the beach, presumably in Ventura county where both women seem to live, Bezzerides takes Woodrugh “up north” to investigate a place that sex crimes probably happened in. And it’s at a former commune. This makes sense, because northern California loves hippies and group living. Back in episode 2, Bezzerides mentioned the Good People Commune located in Guerneville, which is probably where they’re headed (especially since, upon re-watching every episode of season 2, it became clear that this show loves to specifically name-check people and actions that will surface later in the series. To wit: Ani being told “Try not to stab anyone unless you have to” before she heads to the orgy party where she stabs someone… because she has to).
Bezzerides and Woodrugh arrive in Guerneville under the bright light of afternoon sun. Even though Guerneville is not specifically named after episode two, the location is later confirmed to at least be in Sonoma County, which is north of San Francisco. So let’s say Guerneville. Considering the sun comes up in early January at 7:00 am and sets around 5:00 pm, it seems nearly impossible and certainly ridiculous for Bezzerides and Woodrugh to have completed the drive during daylight hours, not least of all because Ani went for that beach dip with her sister earlier in the day when the sun was already high in the sky. At best, they depart at dawn and arrive in Sonoma county around 2:00 pm, but that would have meant no morning swim for the Bezzerides sisters. No one is taxed from the drive, but it’s not surprising at this point since Bezzerides drives up and down the California coast like she’s going to buy bread at the corner store. But, really, it’s how the rest of this scene plays out in the following episode that really confirms Nic Pizzolatto’s insane perception of West Coast geography.
Approximate Distance Traveled: 430 miles from Ventura, CA to Guerneville, CA
Approximate Drive Time: 6 hours and 30 minutes (one way with no traffic)
Approximate Drive Time: 6 hours and 30 minutes (one way with no traffic)
Episode 6, Part 1
Duration: Continuation of same day in previous episode
Approximate Date: January 1st
Approximate Day Length: 10 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 5:00 pm
Approximate Date: January 1st
Approximate Day Length: 10 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 5:00 pm
Characters: Ani Bezzerides, Paul Woodrugh and State Attorney Katherine Davis
Episode 6 opens up exactly where 5 left off. We’re sure of this because 5 ends with Velcoro on Frank’s doorstep and it opens with the same image. Mind you: Frank is also in his robe. This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s morning, but if it is, and all the characters exist in roughly similar time lines, that suggests Bezzerides and Woodrugh are traipsing around Guerneville in the am hours, which we have already established is basically impossible. Their drive was almost seven hours long. And speaking of that great distance, the first time we see Bezzerides and Woodrugh in episode 6 they are at the scary murder cabin they found around the old commune in episode 5. They’ve summoned local authorities to handle the crime scene, and who walks in behind the town cop but Katherine Davis, their secret wrangler at the state attorney’s office. It makes sense for them to call her considering they just found a scary blood mess and she’s their point person, but consider that Davis is based in or around the Los Angeles. She only ever meets with the main cast in Vinci or Ventura, planting her firmly near one of those locations.
And so we ask you: How in the hell did Katherine Davis get from LA to Guerneville so fast? Like, 30 minutes or less fast. You could say she flew up there, but that still would have taken about two hours, and since it’s January, the sun would have at least been down by the time she arrived. And also,no one flies in True Detective. Everyone drives. It’s a show about what happens in cars, which means that Davis just met up with Bezzerides and Woodrugh at a moment’s notice, despite the fact that she had to drive 6.5 hours to reach them. You could say this is all speculation, but Davis herself is the one who tells Bezzerides to let the local Sonoma county law enforcement deal with everything. Even if Bezzerides and Woodrugh got to Guerneville at the earliest possible hour, Davis would have reached them until about 8:00 pm—well after dark. And knowing how the writers think by now, everyone probably drove back to Los Angeles in the same day and got home before dinner time after another 7 hours on the road. (If you choose to believe they drove round trip in a single day, double all the stats below.)
Approximate Distance Traveled: 450 miles from Los Angeles, CA to Guerneville, CA
Approximate Drive Time: 6 hours and 30 minutes (one way, no traffic)
Approximate Drive Time: 6 hours and 30 minutes (one way, no traffic)
Episode 6 Part 2 and Episode 7 Part 1
Duration: One night
Approximate Date: Mid-January
Approximate Day Length: 10 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 5:00 pm
Approximate Date: Mid-January
Approximate Day Length: 10 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 5:00 pm
Characters: Ani Bezzerides, Paul Woodrugh and Ray Velcoro
After Bezzerides and Woodrugh return from their quick Guerneville day trip, the timeline of episode 6 jumps ahead about a week to reach the day of the famed orgy scene. Bezzerides’ sister Athena has gotten her a pass to the Eyes Wide Shut event and tells her to be at the “Cali Club” in Venture at 6:00 pm where a bus will pick all the girls up and drive them to the party. Since “up north” always means either the San Francisco or Monterey Bay areas, we can guess she’s heading somewhere in that neighborhood. We were also told by Caspere’s former secretary in episode 1 that he had been spending a lot of time in Monterey before he went missing, and police chief Holloway even gives us the confirmation in episode 7 when he mentions documents being stolen from a “private gathering of citizens in Monterey”. So there you have it: The orgy happened in Monterey.
The timeline in the final third of episode 6 isn’t nearly as unbelievable as when Kathryn Davis strapped on a jet pack and flew from LA to Guerneville, but it’s still pretty unreasonable. Bezzerides gets to the Cali Club at 6:00 pm as per Athena’s instructions, and if we give the benefit of the doubt and say the mobsters got the girls on the bus and departed for the mansion at the exact same time, Bezzerides still won’t get to the party before 10:00 pm. (They’re in a luxury liner bus, after all, so they’re not cruising at 80.) As far as timelines go, this isn’t crazy. After all, who starts a super-secret orgy party before 8:00 pm? But still, is shuttling dozens of women 300 miles really how these businessmen carry out their affairs? Los Angeles is surrounded by canyons that have surely been hosting wild sex parties since the 1960s. Are we to believe that all these southern California men of influence need to drive up to Monterey for hot women on the sly?
Regardless of how little sense this makes, it still happens. When Bezzerides flees the scene and gets into Velcoro’s getaway car with Woodrugh and Vera Machiado (Bezzerides’ missing person), they make for a motel where they can lay low. Now you could say they went somewhere fairly near by, but that’s a terrible idea for several reasons. If you had men with guns chasing you, you wouldn’t stop at the nearest lodge in Monterey to hide. You’d go far, far away. And second, the way that Velcoro, Woodrugh, Athena and Vera’s sister waltz in and out of the place the very next morning and throughout the day, it would have to be close to the Ventura county area. Of course, nothing “has to” happen in the world of True Detective, but in the face of multiple ludicrous scenarios, the most likely one is that they drove back home after the orgy. This means they flipped around and drove another 4 hours back. Assuming Bezzerides was at the party for even just 30 minutes, that puts Team Cops in the motel around 2:30 in the morning. Again, considering the events of the day, getting home after last call isn’t unreasonable, but we ask once more: Why the hell did they need to drive so damn far in the first place?
And for a bit more evidence on the side of the motel’s SoCal location, Paul leaves the room to go “check in” at home—no one “checks in” from four hours away— and Velcoro heads to Frank’s casino in Vinci to tell him he had a “strange night.”
Hopefully Bezzerides and company aren’t tired, because they’ve got a lot more driving to do in the rest of episode 7.
Approximate Distance Traveled: 540 miles round trip from Ventura, CA to Monterey, CA
Approximate Drive Time: 8 hours (round trip, no traffic)
Approximate Drive Time: 8 hours (round trip, no traffic)
Episode 7 Part 2
Duration: One day
Approximate Date: Mid-January
Approximate Day Length: 10 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 5:00 pm
Approximate Date: Mid-January
Approximate Day Length: 10 hours, from sunrise at 7:00 am to sunset at 5:00 pm
Characters: Ani Bezzerides, Paul Woodrugh and Ray Velcoro
Episode 7 takes place over a single day, so everyone is shaking some serious tail feathers to tie up their loose ends, stash away their loved ones, and crack the case before hitmen and/or the law finds them and kills them because of the orgy incident. The episode starts in the motel room, which we have established with confidence is near Los Angeles. Ani has Athena come over so she can tell her to hide. Ani has Vera’s sister come over so she can tell them both to hide. Velcoro and Woodrugh are going to various locations and accomplishing tasks while periodically checking in with Ani back at the room. Everyone is on the move, but going reasonable distances. Everyone, that is, except Ani.
After telling her sister to get out of dodge, she goes to her dad. But remember: Mr. Bezzerides has been living at the Panticapaeum Institute, which is located in Big Sur. This means that hours after making her round trip from Ventura to Monterey and back again, Ani is going back up the coast to tell her dad he’s not safe and to get more information from him. Because you know what’s totally going to happen after you’ve been up all night, been assaulted, killed a man and come down from being drugged? You’re going to lucidly drive 230 miles back where you came from and do something you could have done over the phone!
After Ani and her dad hug it out, Athena shows up with Ani’s former partner Elvis as her escort. She’s ready to depart for her dad’s associates up farther north who can hide them both. Mind you, all parties involved just drove 4.5 hours and despite being the middle of January, it’s still entirely bright out. Ani tells Elvis to follow Athena and her dad and watch out for any tails. The thing is, he is following them to Eugene, Oregon and Ani is acting like it’s a two hour trip, max. Look, we aren’t questioning Elvis’ commitment to his job or Ani or the safety of others. We’re sure he’s a good cop. But Eugene is 10 hours away! See you in 23 hours, Elvis, because you have to drive all the way back to Ventura before you’re even home!
And of course, Ani’s nine hours of driving in the middle of the day still puts her back to the motel in time to reconvene with Velcoro and Woodrugh for more moody sleuthing, and we know at the very least it’s before midnight, because that’s when Woodrugh has to meet his extortionists at the hall of records someplace else. This is all possible in the literal sense of the word, but it’s also fucking crazy and means there is absolutely no traffic on the roads around LA to slow anyone down. In other words: HA.
Approximate Distance Traveled: 470 miles round trip from Ventura, CA to Big Sur, CA for Ani and 660 miles from Big Sur to Eugene, OR for Elvis, Athena and Mr. Bezzerides.
Approximate Drive Time: 9 hours (round trip, no traffic) for Ani and 10 hours (one way, no traffic) for Elvis, Athena and Mr. Bezzerides.
Approximate Drive Time: 9 hours (round trip, no traffic) for Ani and 10 hours (one way, no traffic) for Elvis, Athena and Mr. Bezzerides.
At this point I don’t even care what the answers are, or if there are any at all. All I want to know is where will Ani drive to next? How far afield of the Los Angeles area will Velcoro and Bezzerides and Frank go to find answers? Will they be on fucking Mars by the time this show ends, and will they do it in Velcoro’s Dodge Charger in record time? Only Nic Pizzolatto knows. But one thing is for sure: It’s no wonder this season of True Detective has been so excruciatingly, unfathomably boring. It’s all been structured around the most heinous and impossible commutes on Earth.
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