Mom is afraid to give up friends whose daughters are mean

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By Meghan Leahy October 21

Q. I have been struggling with an issue concerning my 9-year-old daughter for a long time now, and I need someone else to weigh in. She is bright, lovely, creative, and funny. She has a few good friends, but most of them attend a private school while she attends our neighborhood public school. She has had trouble making friends at school, but we are working on it — she has even been speaking to a counselor outside school. My husband and I also have a close group of friends, all of whom have kids, none of whom attend my daughter’s school. We have been friends for years, socialize often and travel together once or twice a year. My problem is that the dynamic between two of the daughters of my close friends and my daughter is not good. One of them, A, does not like my daughter and has made that very clear. She often takes second girl, B, away for private chats when we are on trips, at parties or at the pool. The result is that my daughter is almost always excluded. Recently, A’s brother approached my daughter and said, “My sister doesn’t like you.” And this past weekend, after I told my daughter to play with her brother and stay away from the other girls, they confronted her, which led to an argument, after which I heard A say, “Well, I don’t think we should be expected to play with her.” This pattern has been happening for years, and the few times I have attempted to speak to the girls, their mothers have been very protective, sometimes denying that the girls did what my daughter described. So she feels excluded at school and she feels excluded in my social group. Should we stop attending these gatherings, parties and trips in order to protect my daughter? I am sad at the prospect of losing my friends, but I need to do what’s best for my daughter. Thanks.

A. Oh, dear, this is tough.

I am going to say something that may not go over so well, but here goes:

You have to stop traveling with these families.

I think I can hear readers groaning in disappointment. “Oh. great, another expert making the world only about the children.”

No, I don’t want that. Our American child-centered culture has, in fact, created so many problems, it is difficult to even fathom where I can begin on that topic.

What I am talking about here is that you know that this is not working. Not only is it not working for your dear child, but I am even questioning why you continue to be friends with these people.

Let’s walk around it a bit. What do we know?

We know that your daughter is struggling to make friends at school. We know that the two other girls in this circle purposely shut her out, use others (the brother) to send unkind messages and confront her meanly, that it has been happening for years and that the other parents don’t see it.

I am not naive, I know that there are many sides to one story.

But I am not totally interested in those sides right now. The real question I have is: In the face of the facts you just laid out to me, why are you choosing your friends over your daughter?

I don’t think you awoke one morning and decided, “Wow, I am going to make some decisions now that really hurt my child! I care more about these friends and their opinions than I do about my own family! Woo-hoo!”

No, I know this is a slow-burn issue. At first, everyone chalks up the little meanness to “kids being kids,” and the adults, at some point, choose to ignore the little signs that the children’s interactions are not going well. You figure if the vacation is just for a week, the kids will be okay, right?

But then the meanness turns into year-after-year occurrences, and it is accelerating. And rather than standing up to protect your daughter from brutal unkindness (and it sounds like bullying to me), you instruct her to play with her brother, ask the other parents what they think and wonder, “Should we stop attending these gatherings, parties and trips in order to protect my daughter?”

If I sound exasperated, it is because I am.

Your mandate in life is to love and protect your child. You are her safe harbor. But instead, you are welcoming the sharks in to feed on her self-confidence. You are abdicating your role of protector to stay with these “friends,” rather then saying, “WHOA. THIS IS ENOUGH,” and drawing her into safety.

Am I saying that what is happening is completely out of character for children? Sadly, no. Children can be extremely hurtful, and I have seen my children be both the victims and the perpetrators. In both cases, it was my job to step in.

But if I reached out to my friends with these problems and the friends blew me off, well, this is a different story. Why aren’t they interested in creating an emotionally safe place for all of the children? I am not saying it needs to be a “conflict-free” zone, but the open-faced bullying, the purposeful isolation, the mean messages sent — is this part of childhood?

Some may say “yes,” but I disagree. When you are a 9-year-old girl, you have the right to feel emotionally safe. It should not be a luxury.

And if you are desperate to see these couples, go without the children. Make it an adults’ weekend away. Parse out the friendships from the needs of the children and keep it simple.

But I will leave you with this: If I paid money to stay with people whose children treated my child and me like that, I would take myself to therapy, stat. You, too, are worthy of friendships where everyone can support emotional health for everyone involved.

Please, you wrote this letter because your instincts are knocking at your door. Be the safe harbor for your child. See her needs. See your insecurity. Step into your role, even if it is scary.

You can do it. Good luck.