The 9 Guys You’ll Meet on Every Volunteer Fire Department
Written by Mikey Heinrich
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Published in HUMOR
hpvfdnj.com
Every fire department is different, sure. That’s even more true for every volunteer department — they tend to be in some way a reflection of the personality of the city they serve.
That said, as sure as the sun will rise and the wind will blow, there are a few stock archetypes that you’re going to meet in any volunteer department. In reality there are probably enough of these that you could conceivably put together some sort of "Volunteer Firefighter Bingo" for new recruits, but just remember that if you do that I totally get some percentage of the profits for throwing the idea out there.
So, to start you on the way to your bingo card, here are the top nine. These are the guys you’ll meet in every department:
1) The Proud Legacy Guy
His dad either was on the department or still is. His grandfather was on the department. His great-grandfather was one of the founding members and is pictured on the department billboard helping to build the city’s first station with nothing but his bare hands and determination. And he was drinking beer while he did it. This guy joined the department before he finished high school and was grabbing hydrants before he could walk. You have never seen him not wearing at least one article of clothing that has the department logo on it.
2) The Reluctant Legacy Guy
This guy’s dad, grandfather, etc. were all on the department too. He also joined the department as soon as he was eligible to apply. But he never talks about any of that. He doesn’t talk much in general, but every once in a while, after he’s had a few beers, he’ll wax poetic about some completely unrelated field — maybe art history… maybe anthropological microbiology… so many dreams…
3) The Overnight Security Guard
There’s actually a straightforward explanation for this, but in almost every department you’re going to find a couple guys who work as security guards on an overnight shift. The reason for this is that every single volunteer department out there is in a constant state looking for people who can respond to calls during the day, and the type of person who works security tends to also be the type of person you want on a fire department. But this means that if you see them on calls during the day they’re undoubtedly exhausted. And you'll maybe want to get a read on exactly how surly they are before engaging in conversation.
4) The In-Over-His-Head Guy
It’s hard not to feel bad for this guy. He means well. He tries hard. He’s probably nice to children and animals, and I’m sure his mom likes him. But he’s just not cut out for firefighting. It typically takes about 18 months for him to realize this is and come to terms, but it can drag on for much, much longer.
5) The Not-Actually-A-Guy Guy
It would be great if this wasn’t surprising to people, but most departments have at least a couple female firefighters working there. (It would also be great if there were more than just a token one or two at most stations, but that’s a different discussion for a different day.)
6) The Fight-the-Future Guy
Things in the department are going to hell in a handbasket, and he’ll gladly tell you all about why that is. He’s been on the department for decades, and when HE started nobody would have put up with the crap that’s going on now.
7) The Counting-The-Days-Until-Vested Guy
At one point he cared. Honest, he really did. But somewhere along the line he just gave up. Maybe he got sick of all the political infighting going on at the station. Maybe the department got a new chief somewhere during his time there and he just never got over the change. Whatever the reason, in his mind there’s a tiny calendar marking off the days until he’s fully invested in the city pension, and the second that countdown is over all you’ll see of him is the roadrunner-like smoke trail marking where he ran away.
8) The Cross-Dresser
No, not that kind of cross-dresser (although statistically, they are out there…). No, this is the guy who’s also a cop during his day job. He’s occasionally useful for information regarding that part of the world, but probably doesn’t willingly bring it up that often.
9) The All-of-my-Friends-Are-Here Guy
One day this guy looked up and realized that all his friends belonged to the fire department, so he applied too. Generally solid and dependable, he’s mostly there just because he got tired of not having anyone to hang out with on drill nights.
Have a stock guy to add to the bingo card? Feel free to add them in the comments below.
About the Author
Mikey Heinrich
Mikey lives and works in Brooklyn Center, Minnesota, where he currently holds 6 different jobs because sleeping is for losers. In addition to being a Volunteer Firefighter he also works in public television, writes, does improv, and conducts haunted site tours while pretending to be both dead and Canadian.
Website: the42ndvizsla.blogspot.com/Latest from Mikey Heinrich
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