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Vol 51 Issue 19
- More News
- Election 2016
- Tiger Woods
- The Week In Sports
Shell Assures Nation Most Arctic Wildlife To Go Extinct Well Before Next Spill
HOUSTON—Stating that any damage would be limited to just a handful of species that somehow managed to survive that long, officials from the Shell Oil Company assured the public Wednesday that most of the Arctic wildlife living near their proposed drilling site will be extinct well before their next oil spill. “After conducting several environmental impact studies, we can confidently say that our offshore drilling operations pose absolutely no threat to the Arctic’s hundreds of native species, which will have already been completely wiped out by the time any drilling mishap or crude oil spill takes place,” said Shell spokesman Curtis Smith, adding that the region’s polar bears, walruses, and bowhead whales will most likely be eliminated by some combination of overfishing, ocean acidification, and melting ice shelves long before the first drops of unrefined petroleum begin gushing into the Chuchki Sea. “We can assure you that there will be no repeat of the BP oil spill, in which a complex, thriving ecosystem was destroyed. At most, only some algae and maybe a few mackerel will still be around when our rig explodes and spews millions of gallons of oil into their habitat, and we believe those species will pretty much be on their last legs by then anyway.” Smith added that the environmental hazards associated with the initial installation of the rigs will also go a long way toward ensuring most of the fauna has died off prior to any future spills.
Features Of The Obama Presidential Library
Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain:
- Interactive NSA exhibit allows visitors to browse recordings of own phone calls
- Laptop displaying authentic original HealthCare.gov error page from launch on October 1, 2013
- White House press secretary Josh Earnest on hand to deflect visitors’ questions about any of the exhibits
- Aging simulator that enables visitors to see how eight years as commander-in-chief would ravage their own features
- Onsite cafeteria, Axelrod’s
- Timeline of library’s construction explaining how builders inherited poor foundation, materials from previous lot
- “Dinosaurs: From Dawn To Dusk” exhibit that explores the president’s theories on why dinosaurs became extinct
- Audio tour that includes 180-minute defense of legal justifications for intervening in Libya without congressional approval
- Taxidermied body of Bo Obama
- First draft of 2004 DNC speech titled “Hoping Is A Good Thing For All Of The People”
- Short documentary film featuring Obama forlornly looking at the camera and mouthing “I tried” for 10 minutes
Decaying City Just Wants To Skip To Part Where It Gets Revitalized Restaurant Scene
CAMDEN, NJ—Saying they were fed up with the numerous challenges stemming from their city’s extensive urban decay, Camden, NJ residents confirmed Wednesday that they would love to just skip to the part where they get a hip, revitalized restaurant scene. “I realize that these boarded-up storefronts and abandoned factories might be turned into trendy cafés and bistros someday down the line, but I think most of us would be pretty thrilled if we just went ahead and got to that stage right now,” said resident George Pierson, noting that he is fully willing to bypass Camden’s endemic crime, rampant drug abuse, and high unemployment rate in order to jump right to the point when he and the city’s other occupants can enjoy dozens of farm-to-table gastropubs. “Sure, we’ll eventually see lobster roll stands and high-end noodle bars popping up on every corner, but that could take years or even decades. Let’s just skim over all the gang turf disputes and burnt-out streetlights and go straight to blocks lined with stores specializing in key lime pies, locally sourced butcher shops, and gourmet empanada places. That honestly seems like the way to go.” Camden residents also told reporters they would like the city’s accelerated revitalization process to then stop just before they are priced out of their current apartments.
Nation Braces Itself Before Clicking On Article About 55-Year-Old Ex-NFL Player
WASHINGTON—Taking a brief moment to mentally prepare for any number of potentially disturbing or utterly heartbreaking stories, millions of Americans reportedly steeled themselves Wednesday before clicking on a news article about a 55-year-old former NFL player. “As soon as I saw the words ‘Ex-NFL Player’ in the headline, I just thought, ‘Well, this is going to ruin my day,’” said Rockville, MD resident Alex Thorne, echoing fans across the nation who speculated that the story would likely involve some horrific combination of bankruptcy, chronic traumatic encephalopathy, drug addiction, murder, or suicide. “Honestly, I shouldn’t even read it, but I know I will, and I also know I’ll feel absolutely awful after I do. Might as well just get it over with.” At press time, the entire U.S. populace had decided en masse to simply avoid reading a breaking story about a current college football star.
Report: U.S. Hospitals Spend $2 Billion Each Year Replacing Gowns Taken By Escaped Patients
WASHINGTON—Amidst rapidly rising costs throughout the health care system, a report published Wednesday by the American Hospital Association has found that nearly $2 billion is spent each year replacing gowns taken by patients who escape from the nation’s medical centers.
The report, based upon inventory and expenditure data gathered from hospitals in all 50 states, found that patients who open one eye to make sure no one is watching, sit bolt upright in bed, and then flee medical facilities while still wearing hospital-issued gowns have significantly cut into health providers’ bottom lines and made it difficult for these institutions to ensure they maintain an adequate stock of such garments.
“The average hospital spends 43 percent of its annual supply budget on gowns, losing them every time an escaping patient waits for the nurse at the front desk to become distracted and then darts past while holding up a medical chart to hide their face,” said AHA president Richard Umbdenstock, who noted that countless hours of productivity are also lost whenever doctors spend a portion of their day frantically searching through hallways until they finally spot the escapee and shout for security to grab them. “Every time these patients peer carefully out of a doorway, steady their nerves with a deep breath, and then make a break for it down the intensive care ward corridor and toward the exit, they drive up medical costs.”
“Because once they go out those doors and speed off in a hijacked ambulance, we almost never get those gowns back,” Umbdenstock added.
The report discovered that the drain on resources further extends to white lab coats and stethoscopes, which are said to be frequently donned by fleeing patients who avoid pursuers by ducking into open supply closets, emerging moments later in garb that often allows them to pass as health care professionals.
In addition, Umbdenstock confirmed, health care facilities must pay millions of dollars to resterilize instruments that fall to the ground from carts every time fleeing patients crash into them as they sprint around a corner while making their getaway.According to the report, a patient’s escape often costs hospitals much more than the price of a single gown. Many escapees leave medical centers on the hook for up to $30,000 in damages, which begin to mount the moment fleeing patients rip the electrodes off their chest, and further accrue as they carelessly knock over their IV pole in their frenzy to run off, frequently spilling costly intravenous medication all over the floor.
“Aside from the equipment costs, many hospitals must pay workers’ compensation claims due to the physical injuries that staff members suffer when a patient on the run suddenly wheels a gurney into their path to impede their pursuit,” Umbdenstock said. “And if the escapee beats them to a waiting elevator, they are often hurt again when, running at full speed, they slam into doors that close just in the nick of time.”
“And this is to say nothing of the $185 million hospitals pay every year in added heating costs when doctors arrive to a room only to find an empty bed where the patient used to be and a wide-open window with the curtains billowing in the breeze,” he added.
The report discovered that the drain on resources further extends to white lab coats and stethoscopes, which are said to be frequently donned by fleeing patients who avoid pursuers by ducking into open supply closets, emerging moments later in garb that often allows them to pass as health care professionals.
Moreover, records suggest the nation’s hospitals are forced to pay an additional $8.6 billion in malpractice lawsuits each year when these individuals enter directly into an operating theater by accident where, because their identity has been obscured by a stolen surgical mask, they are mistaken for a scrub nurse and asked to hand instruments to a surgeon performing an appendectomy.
“Of course, these costs all double when patients escape in pairs, with one posing as a doctor and pushing the other in a wheelchair,” Umbdenstock said. “That’s twice the clothing we have to replace. But fortunately for hospitals’ finances, the wheelchair is almost always recovered when an orderly in pursuit of the fleeing duo later finds it toppled on its side in the parking lot with one wheel still spinning.”
Report: Chris Christie Spent $300K From Expense Account On Food, Drinks
According to a report from Watchdog.org, New Jersey governor Chris Christie spent more than $300,000 from his state expense account during his five years in office on food, alcohol, and desserts. What do you think?
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