Money
Pope Francis Reverses Position On Capitalism After Seeing Wide Variety Of American Oreos
WASHINGTON—Admitting the startling discovery had compelled him to reexamine his long-held beliefs, His Holiness Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he had reversed his critical stance toward capitalism after seeing the immense variety of Oreos available in the United States. “Oh, my goodness, look at all these! Golden Oreos, Cookie Dough Oreos, Mega Stuf Oreos, Birthday Cake Oreos—perhaps the system of free enterprise is not as terrible as I once feared,” said the visibly awed bishop of Rome while visiting a Washington, D.C. supermarket, adding that the sheer diversity of flavors, various colors and quantities of creme filling, and presence or absence of an outer fudge layer had led to a profound philosophical shift in his feelings toward the global economy and opened his eyes to the remarkable capabilities of the free market. “Only a truly exceptional and powerful economic system would be capable of producing so many limited-edition and holiday-themed flavors of a single cookie brand, such as these extraordinary Key Lime Pie Oreos and Candy Corn Oreos. This is not a force of global impoverishment at all, but one of endless enrichment.” At press time, the pontiff had reportedly withdrawn his acceptance of capitalism, calling any system that would unleash a Roadhouse Chili Monster Slim Jim on the public “an unholy abomination.”
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Company’s HR Manager Really Pushing Infinite-Deductible Health Care Plan
ROCHESTER, NY—During a meeting with new hires Wednesday to discuss employee benefits, Radian Analytics human resources manager Ellen Schultz is said to have strongly pushed the company’s infinite-deductible health care option.
According to sources in attendance, Schultz described the low-premium, infinite-deductible plan as the simplest and most convenient choice available to employees, and said it works the same whether plan members need to visit their primary care physician, fill a prescription, or be admitted to a hospital, allowing them in each case to pay 100 percent of the incurred medical expenses.
Company officials explained that the health care option had been set up to address complaints employees had with previous plans, which often came with confusing paperwork and long wait times for reimbursement, problems that have disappeared now that the limitless deductibles have eliminated any need to even bother filing a claim.
“With our Infinity Plan, you’ll see only a very small amount deducted from each paycheck, and then all you’ll have to do is pay as you go for whatever health care you may need,” said Schultz, adding that employees who select the package will never need to worry about obtaining preauthorization for any procedure and can simply pay a bill in full upon receiving it from their medical provider. “What’s more, it doesn’t matter if your doctor is in-network or out-of-network. The coverage is the same either way.”
“It really couldn’t be any easier: Absolutely no services or medications are excluded from the plan, and there’s no annual cap on benefits,” she continued. “In other words, you can use the Infinity Plan for anything, and use it as much as you want—no ifs, ands, or buts.”
Schultz went on to state that under most other health insurance plans, patients are responsible for co-pays in addition to their deductible, charges of $50, $100, or sometimes more that can add up quickly and unexpectedly. However, she said, there are no such co-pays under the Infinity Plan, so those who join it can rest assured that every cent they pay out of pocket will be applied directly to their infinite deductible.
Company officials explained that the health care option had been set up to address complaints employees had with previous plans, which often came with confusing paperwork and long wait times for reimbursement, problems that have disappeared now that the limitless deductibles have eliminated any need to even bother filing a claim.
“Best of all, the Infinity Plan lets you set up a health savings account, so you can pay the full list price of every single drug or medical procedure you need with pre-tax income and a convenient debit card,” said Schultz, noting that the policy also covers all dental work, elective cosmetic procedures, and specialist visits, with or without a referral. “We have year-round open enrollment for this option, so you can join anytime you like and even apply it retroactively back to your first day of employment.”
“For those of you with dependents, I’d recommend the Infinity Plus Plan, which has a slightly higher premium but comes with one infinite deductible for your whole family,” Schultz added.
At press time, Schultz was reportedly explaining to the new hires that all 401(k) contributions made by employees would be matched with a dollar-for-dollar withdrawal by the company.
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