Quantum Political Scientists Hypothesize Country Headed In Both Right And Wrong Directions Simultaneously
PASADENA, CA—Upending the conventionally held assumption that the United States must exclusively be moving along a single good or bad path forward, quantum political scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a paper Thursday hypothesizing that the country is, in fact, headed in both the right and wrong directions simultaneously. “Rather than inhabiting a single reality where the nation’s future looks bright or an opposite one where Americans are struggling like never before, our research suggests that these two conditions actually exist concurrently in a state of superposition,” said lead researcher David Rimbaud, adding that, according to their analysis of quantum wave function and Gallup polls, the nation’s best days were found to lie, paradoxically, both ahead of and behind it. “In addition, our research has revealed for the first time that this country is currently changing beyond all recognition while at the same time remaining the same as it’s always been. Similarly, the United States was found to be both a beacon of freedom and hope in the world and an antagonist to those very same hopes and freedoms. Though seemingly contradictory, all of these scenarios are equally true.” Rimbaud added that in both divergent realities, China was still the world’s dominant economic force.
Scott Walker Watches Candidates Emerge Shaken From GOP’s Female Experience Simulator
WASHINGTON—Waiting in line and nervously watching as, one by one, his fellow presidential candidates took their turn inside the machine, Gov. Scott Walker told reporters Thursday that the GOP Female Experience Simulator had so far left every contender for the party’s nomination disoriented, confused, and deeply distressed.
According to Walker, the 16 male candidates sat restlessly in folding chairs that had been set up in the basement of Republican National Committee headquarters, waiting in tense silence until the time came for them to walk up to the entrance, open the hatch, and step inside the simulator, a mechanical device designed to mimic the experience of being a woman in the United States.
The two-term Wisconsin governor admitted the sight of his party rivals emerging bewildered from the rectangular metal box had left him intensely concerned about the horrors that awaited within.
The two-term Wisconsin governor admitted the sight of his party rivals emerging bewildered from the rectangular metal box had left him intensely concerned about the horrors that awaited within.
“I have no idea what happens in there—none of us do,” said Walker, who noted that former Florida governor Jeb Bush had bounded confidently into the Female Experience Simulator, only to emerge minutes later looking deathly pale, clutching his head, and murmuring incoherently to himself. “I know [RNC chairman] Reince [Priebus] says we have to do this if we want to win, but right now I’m terrified to go in there. Whatever it is, that thing seems to be ripping everyone to shreds.”
“When Bobby [Jindal] came out of there, he was just completely unresponsive, almost catatonic,” Walker added. “I don’t think he even recognized me.”
The simulator is reportedly seen by top Republican strategists as their last best hope of forcing the party’s candidates to connect with women voters. Beltway insiders confirmed that each potential nominee is required by the RNC to spend a minimum of 15 minutes inside the machine, and that GOP operatives have been instructed not to let anyone exit the reinforced-titanium chamber early, no matter how loud the pained screams from inside may become.
Hunched over and appearing to break into a cold sweat, Walker explained that his growing dread of the simulator was not eased by the fact that medical personnel had set up a triage station at the machine’s exit and were standing by with oxygen masks, a gurney, and IV bags.
“Oh, my God, look at Marco! What happened to him?” Walker said when a glassy-eyed Sen. Rubio stumbled out of the chamber, his aides immediately throwing a blanket over his shoulders and offering him a glass of water while a paramedic checked the dilation of his pupils. “Nobody’s making it out of there in one piece. Mike [Huckabee] was the first to go in, and the next time we saw him he had this shell-shocked look frozen on his face. He just wasn’t the same person. Walked right out of the building and kept going. Who knows what’s happened to him by now?”
“Then Rand [Paul] realized he was up next and puked all over the place,” Walker continued. “His knees literally buckled, and it took three men to carry that poor guy through the door and into the simulator. God, I don’t even know if the presidency’s worth this kind of torture.”
At press time, sources confirmed that a GOP official had pulled the Female Experience Simulator’s emergency-stop lever after a hysterically screaming Sen. Ted Cruz began smashing himself against the glass of the door, tearing off his clothes, and drawing blood as he clawed at his own flesh.Sources say Rick Perry hyperventilated and then ran out of the waiting room to avoid having to go into the simulation chamber.
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian
LOUISVILLE, KY—At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.
"I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friends' backs and attend a megachurch service, or censor books in the school library in some way. Even just the thought of organizing a CD-burning turns me on."
Added Faber, "I feel so confused."
The openly gay teen, who came out to his parents at age 14 and has had a steady boyfriend for the past seven months, said he first began to suspect he might be different last year, when he started feeling an odd stirring within himself every time he passed a church. The more conservative the church, Faber claimed, the stronger his desire was to enter it.
"It's like I don't even know who I am anymore," the frightened teenager said. "Keeping this secret obsession with radical right-wing dogma hidden away from my parents, teachers, and schoolmates is tearing me apart."
According to Faber, his first experience with evangelical Christianity was not all that different from other gays his age.
"Sure, I looked at the Book of Leviticus once or twice—everybody has," Faber said. "We all experiment a little bit with that stuff when we're growing up. But I was just a kid. I didn't think it meant anything."
Faber's instinct was to deny these early emotions. But recently, the Louisville teen admitted, the feelings have grown stronger, making him wonder more and more what life as a born-again right-wing fundamentalist would be like.
"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes welling up with tears. "I know it's wrong, but I wanted so badly to do it anyway. I even made one of those signs with photos of dead fetuses and hid it in my closet. I felt so ashamed, yet, at the same time, it was all strangely titillating."
Faber's parents, although concerned, said they're convinced their otherwise typical gay son is merely going through a conservative Christian phase.
"I caught him watching The 700 Club once when he thought he was alone in the house, and last week, I found some paperbacks from the Left Behind series hidden in his sock drawer," his mother, Eileen Faber, said. "I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but even if he doesn't, I will love and accept my son no matter what."
Faber's father was far less tolerant in his comments.
"No son of mine is going to try to get intelligent design into school textbooks," Geoffrey Faber said. "And I absolutely refuse to pay his tuition if he decides to go to one of those colleges like Oral Roberts University where they're just going to fill his head with a lot of crazy conservative ideas."
He added, "I just want my normal gay son back."
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
ISLA VISTA, CA—In the days following a violent rampage in southern California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals, including himself, and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said North Carolina resident Samuel Wipper, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
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