The best Yelp reviews from strip clubs around the country

Published on 1/31/2014

By Brandon Cohen

Shutterstock

It’s tough to get a real feel for a city until you’ve seen the local women gyrate topless for tips (or at least that's what Woodrow Wilson used to say). As all strip joints are not created equal, though, how does an out-of-towner know where to go for overpriced cocktails and meaningful conversation? Yelp, of course! Which is why we scoured the site for some of the choicest quotes from club-goers apparently devoid of any semblance of shame. Here are the best.
NOTE: Add a big fat (sic) to pretty much every sentence below.

Flickr user Wendy

ON FOOD AND DRINK

Solid Platinum -- Houston, TX
Stars: 1
"They charged me a $7 cover to view obese women dancing. In addition, the Long Island ice tea was horribly sweet, undrinkable." - Gabe K.

Diamond Dolls -- Clearwater, FL
Stars: 5
"The food wasn't gourmet, but it was hearty and tasty. It was like something you'd expect to eat at an old folks home or a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving." - Dan S.

Lido Lounge -- Cleveland, OH
Stars: 5
"A stripper once grabbed the Heineken bottle from my hand and threw it at some dude!" - P W.

Jaguars -- Charleston, SC
Stars: 3
"Ok, so, funny enough, a few buddies and I went to the club to see the ladies shake their @ss and found out Friday night is wing buffet night... So what the heck, I tried them, and to my surprise they were great!" - Alex D.

Flickr user Mikey Jones

ON FULL DISCLOSURES

The Great Alaskan Bush Company -- Phoenix, AZ
Stars: 3
"So... i have to prefix this with the fact that my dad is a dj here... which helps the fact that i love this club!" - Alysse P.

The Harem -- New Orleans, LA
Stars: 5
"If you ever need a bag of blow or a lap dance with 'extras' this is where to start. I have been going here for several years and won't stop." - Andrew J.

Deja Vu Showgirls -- Los Angeles, CA
Stars: 3
"During our dance for some odd reason I didn't even get aroused at all even though she was HOT and have an amazing body but nothing happen. I think I was to intoxicated or maybe I just felt bad for the girl." - Bernard C.

Flickr user Mikey Jones

ON THE TALENT

Booby Trap -- Miami, FL
Stars: 4
"They're not as hideous or deformed as most of these comments imply. Strippers have feelings, too, guys!" - Flor C.

Dream Girls Night Club -- Minneapolis, MN
Stars: 2
"Stay away from the large chick with the fake boobs. She bit my f*ck#ng nipple." - Dan S.
Platinum 84 -- Denver, CO
Stars: 1
"Went there tonight, a dancer was apparently punched in the face and began to seize because she was most likely on some sort of drug… I along with many others made the security aware that the bloodied carpet should at least be coned off and they couldn't have cared less." - L J.

Flickr user Quinn Dombrowski

ON MANAGING EXPECTATIONS

Subis -- Detroit, MI
Stars: 1
"The manager Chuck is a punk too begging to be my friend? Wtf I came to see the ladies not u. And the female boxing was fixed and terrible." - Quinten C.

Babes Cabaret -- Las Vegas, NV
Stars: 1
"I have a problem with the booths in the back. They only had trannies and midget and weirdo porn." - Jack H.

The Glass Slipper -- Boston, MA
Stars: 1
"Seriously. The 200+ lb stripper had c-section scars (plural). The bartender barely understood English and had a soaked through band aid on his forehead. The only stage is actually behind the bar, tv's are located to the right. You cannot watch the girls and tv at the same time." - Alex G.

Platinum 84 -- Denver, CO
Stars: 4
"If I knew the owner and could suggest one thing to improve, I would say girls. Maybe a recruiting campaign of some kind might work but i am not an expert at recruiting so i cant be sure." - Michael V.

X Burlesque -- Las Vegas, NV
Stars: 2
"The intermission was not the comedian Pudgy as promised on all the ads. Someone told me Pudgy died, but I have no idea if that's true or not." - Kristin J.

Stir Crazy -- Miami, FL
Stars: 3
"They won't let you in with a gun, so leave it in the car." - A T.

Flickr user Bryan Ochalla

ON... ???

Barely Legal Club -- New Orleans, LA
Stars: 1
"Like many adult entertainment consumers, I am constantly perplexed by the fine line between erotic and pathetic. To further explore these issues, I highly recommend David Foster Wallace's essay on the late nineties porn industry, The Big Red Sun. It is titillating, but not an aphrodisiac." - Sooze L.

Les Girls -- San Diego, CA
Stars: 5
"The women I know were there from 1976 up until 1984… I made a lot of good friends there including the women of that time…Now if by chance anyone out there is wanting to find out what and where everyone has gone, well why don't we start up a reunion page or something. Contact me on my myspace page at {redacted} and contact me." - Mark W.

Special thanks to Dan S., who made this list TWICE for reviews of multiple spots in different states. A true gentlemen's club globetrotter -- we salute you.