Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far
The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:
- Mar. 2003: In a major goof that will haunt Jeb Bush all along the campaign trail, his brother unilaterally invades Iraq, destabilizing the region indefinitely and vastly increasing the threat of global terror
- July 2015: Hillary Clinton’s Spotify playlist contains disturbing contradictions to the iTunes playlist she released for voters in 2007
- Aug. 2015: A hot mic picks up every one of Scott Walker’s answers during the first GOP debate
- Oct. 2015: Bernie Sanders is forced to walk back parts of his tax plan in the wake of arguments that slow-roasting the 10 richest Americans on a spit and feeding their carcasses to the unemployed would be unfeasible
- Oct. 2015: In a highly embarrassing debate performance, John Kasich severely misreads the primary-voting public by appealing to their intelligence and dignity
- Nov. 2015: Donald Trump is caught in a blatant lie when he claims he saw Muslims cheering at one of his campaign events
- Dec. 2015: A Ben Carson campaign commercial inadvertently includes numerous copyrighted clips from A Bug’s Life
- Jan. 2016: Cracks begin to show in Martin O’Malley’s facade as candidate blinks for the first time
- Feb. 2016: American people fail to take threat of Donald Trump becoming president seriously in the final month they could have done something about it
Christie Describes ISIS As Grave, Towering, Meaty Threat To U.S. While Staring At Diner Patron’s Corned Beef Sandwich
DURHAM, NH—Delivering an impassioned statement Friday during a campaign stop at Lou’s Diner, Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie reportedly described the jihadist militant group ISIS as a “grave, towering, meaty threat” to the United States while staring intently at a customer’s corned beef sandwich. “They are a violent, hateful, mouthwateringly delicious force that’s stacked high throughout the Middle East,” said Christie, licking his lips and promising the restaurant patron that the savage, savory extremists “wouldn’t last 30 seconds” under his administration. “These salt-cured, thinly sliced, melt-in-your-mouth radicals want nothing more than to force the world to live under strict, melty Swiss cheese. Well, let me tell you: When I’m president, I won’t stop until we get those thick-cut rye bread fundamentalists in our hands, squeeze them down, and finish off every last brutal, succulent morsel of that delectable menace, reducing their terror network to crumbs.” At press time, Christie was explaining that to truly demolish the ruthless, juicy Islamic fundamentalists, he would seek to enlist the help of the Russian dressing.
Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform
GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate. “Sanders!” the petroleum tycoon reportedly snarled, throwing his silk top hat to the floor and stomping on it in aggrievement before shaking his ruby-encrusted cane at the television set and growling that he would make the Vermont senator pay. “Impose a carbon tax on me, will you? Well, you’ll see what happens when someone tries to make a fool of F. P. Harriman. Rutherford! Come fetch me my telephone! A meeting of the Industrialist League must be called posthaste.” At press time, Sanders’ mention of raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans had caused Harriman’s eyes to go wide and his monocle to fall directly into his flute of 1907 Diamant Bleu champagne.
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