City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs
They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something
CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that. “The steps are big, so you can have lunch on them or you can exercise on them or lie down in the sun or do other stuff,” said resident Brian Cooley, adding that most people were currently using the big stairs for sitting, but that some people probably used them for other things. “They’re more interesting than regular stairs. They’re bigger. If I ever needed a place to meet up with someone, I’d probably say ‘Let’s meet at the big stairs.’ They’d know what I was talking about.” At press time, the city government was reportedly considering plans for more big stairs in other locations.
Obama: Troops To Stay In Afghanistan Past 2016
Though he originally pledged to remove all U.S. troops from Afghanistan by the end of 2016, Obama announced this week that 5,500 ground troops would remain through the end of his presidency and beyond, likely in an attempt to prevent the resurgence of Taliban forces or the rise of ISIS. What do you think?
Lindsey Graham Asks Nearby Family To Take His Picture For Photo Op
LACONIA, NH—Promising that it would only take a second, Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham reportedly asked a nearby family Friday if they could take his picture for a photo op at a local fall harvest festival. “Would you folks mind getting a picture of me in front of these corn stalks?” said Graham, who reportedly had his request politely declined by several individuals before eventually finding a group of fairgoers who agreed to use the senator’s cell phone to take the photo he would post on his campaign website and distribute to the media. “Once you can see me on the screen, just push the button. Oh, hold on, let me turn the flash off. Actually, it might be good to take a couple shots just in case I wasn’t smiling or I blinked. Hopefully they don’t turn out blurry.” At press time, several people had reportedly walked through the frame, not realizing that Graham was posing for a picture.
First-Grader Given Sticker For Behavior During Lockdown Drill
ANAHEIM, CA—As a reward for following directions the best of all his classmates, local first-grader Daniel Reinhart received a sticker Friday recognizing his good behavior during a lockdown drill at Paul Revere Elementary School. “You did such a super job, Daniel,” said teacher Anna Jarvis, handing the beaming 6-year-old a sparkly gold star for making less noise than anyone when the lights were shut off, the door was locked, and the entire class was ushered into the closet. “He was the quietest little mouse, but most of you did a great job too!” At press time, Jarvis was telling another student that if he wanted a sticker next time, it was very, very, very important he not giggle.
Report: Nation Spends $50 Billion Annually To Get Kids Excited About Things
WASHINGTON—Taking into account investments by government agencies, nonprofit organizations, and private industry, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a total of $50 billion is spent annually in the U.S. to get kids excited about things. “Each day in this country, well over $100 million is spent on efforts to take something, such as reading, science, going outdoors, or breakfast, and get kids excited about it,” said lead researcher Michael Hazlett, adding that in 2014 alone, over $10 billion was spent on getting kids excited about fruit. “In addition to the $50 billion that goes toward getting kids excited about fitness or dental hygiene or any number of other things, we found that an even larger sum of $65 billion is then spent each year on making those things fun.” The report concluded that at any given moment, an average of 0.3 percent of the nation’s children are excited.
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