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Ask A Native New Yorker: When Can You Tell Someone To Shut The F*ck Up?
(Scott Lynch / Gothamist)
Are you relatively new to this bustling metropolis? Don't be shy about it, everyone was new to New York once upon a time, except, of course, those battle-hardened residents who've lived here their whole lives and Know It All. One of these lifers works among us at Gothamist—publisher Jake Dobkingrew up in Park Slope and still resides there. He is now fielding questions—ask him anything by sending an email here, but be advised that Dobkin is "not sure you guys will be able to handle my realness." We can keep you anonymous if you prefer; just let us know what neighborhood you live in.
This week's column comes from a man whose enjoyment of a free Ghostbusters screening in Bryant Park was marred by some obstreperous audience members.
Dear Jake,
I went to see Ghostbusters at Bryant Park to open the outdoor movie season. This was my first of such viewings. When the movie started, there was a group of four professional-looking women (not college students) sitting behind me yammering for basically the entire flick.
I gave them a look at one point, like "Hey, come on." They quieted down then, but started up again soon after. I even heard them say "we are in public" at one point. Their conversation was not even about the movie, just basic stuff—Instagram, some hot guy they know, and their rose wine—like they were at home for a girls wine night. Despite everyone around looking quite annoyed, no one said anything, including me (my wife told me to ignore it...). Was this the proper action? Just ignore this entitled and disrespectful group? This was Ghostbusters! 2000 people watching it together in the city where it was filmed, next to the opening scene library mind you. Yet, Kelsie's recent status update was way more interesting than this collective experience.
So, what is the course of action here? Tell them to shut the F up (probably would have told me back)? Reason with them as human beings (not sure they were human beings)? Take picture for public shamming (too harsh probably)? Threaten to get them kicked out for sneaking in wine (everyone was doing this, including me..). I really don't know. Instead, I get to stew on this forever now.
Thanks,
Annoyed Transplant
Annoyed Transplant
A native New Yorker responds:
Dear Transplant,
I sympathize with your predicament, because Ghostbusters is one of the great New York movies of all time and getting to watch it in the middle of Bryant Park is a rare opportunity. That said, the blame here is shared, because you and the other moviegoers around you were too polite and/or cowardly to tell these ladies to put a sock in it.
Real New Yorkers aren't passive-aggressive, we're aggressive-aggressive. If there had been a native stationed nearby, she would've started up with a soft but firm "excuse me, can you quiet down!" and then quickly escalated through the three other levels of New York shushing: "Yo, shut up!", "I said shut your mouth!", "No seriously, shut the fuck up before I come over there!", before finally dumping a full tub of popcorn on top of them. If George Costanza can do it, so can you.
That's not to say New Yorkers are going to shush everyone. This is a big city and some level of noise is acceptable. At a movie, for instance, you'd expect some normal call-and-response and yelling at the screen. And a real New Yorker knows when to keep it to himself—sometimes discretion is the better part of valor, and by valor I mean "avoiding getting stabbed by the guy screaming obscenities on the subway."
This is actually the lesson of Ghostbusters: New Yorkers shouldn't bottle up their feelings, because being passive-aggressive creates a giant river of ectoplasmic slime that will eventually engulf the city. Actually, wait, that's Ghostbusters 2. The lesson of the first Ghostbusters is that through teamwork, New Yorkers can fix stuff that's threatening to mess up our city. In other words, don't be scared to enlist people nearby to gang up on the Gozerians on the next blanket—even the loudest loudmouths ladies aren't going to keep talking when they're surrounded by an angry mob.
But maybe this kind of aggression is too much to ask of a transplant. Here's an easier technique to achieve outdoor-movie solitude: just download Ghostbusters from iTunes for $3.99, and watch it on your phone in the middle of the Sheep Meadow at night!
N.B.: John asked me to remind you that you should also shut the fuck up at concerts.
Ask a Native New Yorker anything via email. Anonymity is assured.
