On Being the Spouse of a FF- from Fire Rescue 1

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What is it like to be the spouse of a firefighter? July 15, 2013 Email Print Comment RSS The Question by FR1 Community What is it like to be the spouse of a firefighter? CHECK IT OUT AND ADD YOUR OWN THOUGHTS IN THE COMMENTS Tweet By FireRescue1 Staff  A question posted recently on Quora asked, "What is it like to be the spouse of a firefighter?" Ben Urwin, a father, husband and firefighter, gave his opinion on the topic below. Check it out and add your own thoughts in the comments. Hardly a day goes by that I don't hear about how my job negatively affects my wife's life. I don't think that the "high risk" nature of our work is a major stress for most spouses though. My wife doesn't sit around the house worrying about me while I work any more than I sit around the station stressing that I could be "4 minutes away from Hell..." As has been discussed in other threads, although there is always the potential for serious injury or death, it doesn't happen nearly as often as it seems from television shows or media reports. There are plenty of jobs that are far more dangerous than firefighting that most people would deem "safe." Certainly if a major event were to occur, like the recent explosion in Texas, it would be very stressful waiting to hear from a loved one who is on-duty. Otherwise, I think most wives get used to the idea of us spending our days running alarm calls, medical calls, the odd contents, and structure fire, and do not worry too much about it. What is hard on the spouse of a firefighter is the long absences. My department doesn't work 24-hour shifts. We are on a 10-14 hour rotation. I find that worse. My wife feels like a single mother for 2 weeks every month. When I do my long stretch, I work the Friday and Saturday shift, Sunday 24-hour and then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. I am back in on Monday for four days. When I work days, I am not home in time for dinner, bath time and most nights not for bedtime. I am gone in the morning before anyone else is up. When I am on nights, it's worse because I am present during the day but exhausted and needing to sleep. It takes a couple of days after coming off shift to catch up on sleep. The spouse of a firefighter has to step up and run the house almost single-handedly most of the time. It is hard making plans with other couples who have more conventional work hours, because I am unavailable two weekends out of four, and they aren't around on Wednesday afternoon when I have some free time. Women love to date firefighters, and often love the idea of being married to them, but there's a reason there are so many more ex-wives of firefighters than there are current wives. It's a long, tiring grind. Once the glamor wears off, and reality sets in, it's not for everyone. About the author "The Question" section brings together user-generated articles from our Facebook page based on questions we pose to our followers, as well as some of the best content we find on Quora, a question-and-answer website created, edited and organized by its community of users who are often experts in their field. The site aggregates questions and answers for a range of topics, including public safety. The questions and answers featured here on FR1 are posted directly from Quora, and the views and opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of FR1.  Comments The comments below are member-generated and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of FireRescue1.com or its staff. If you cannot see comments, try disabling privacy and ad blocking plugins in your browser. All comments must comply with our Member Commenting Policy.  Wayne Criddle Thursday, July 18, 2013 10:13:56 AM What happens when your wife is in the Department as well? Then when your kids are old enough, they join? That is the joy of being a volunteer FF. I know, this article speaks more to the paid profession but since volunteers make up the vast majority of those who are in the fire service, it is relevant. Also the long absent hours are compounded by the fact that we work a regular 40+ hour week and then have training and meetings in addition to the calls. I know in many cases where the Department is compiled of people who are all in the same family (blood relatives in addition to the brotherhood). Of course the down side to this would be IF that big one hits like in the case of West, Texas you would have the torment of losing not only firefighters but the loss of multiple family members from the same tree.  Julia McCabe Thursday, July 18, 2013 10:38:30 AM As a spouse of a firefighter who works 48's it is not easy, but I make it. The hard weeks are the weeks that he has to do mandatory OT and is gone for 72 to 96 hours a week. It can take a toll on us, but we are able to enjoy our time home together. The stress of the BIG ONE never fully goes away, but it has to be pushed in the back of ones mind. Otherwise, you will never let him leave the house. Every job comes with fear, but just driving down the highway is dangerous. I would NEVER change our life together and being the spouse of a firefighter is the best job I could ever have!  Cindy Cook Madaris Thursday, July 18, 2013 11:20:26 AM As the wife (almost 29 years) of a retired Fire/Medic I can honestly say that the toll is more on the Fire/Medic. We have always been a team and know that the job is what pays the bills. I understood when we were dating that he would not always be there for date nights and holidays. His job was not only high pressure but life saving. I have heard of some of the most bizarre and messy calls he has had to attend to. Sure I could brag to my family and friends that I was dating a Fire/Medic, but I also had to deal with the reality of what it means to let him go for 24 hours at a time. He never said "it's just a job". He has always loved his "calling" and still speaks about it in a manner that most would never understand. I am proud and honored to be the spouse of a dedicated life-saving firefighter. I can honestly say it does take a special family unit to keep that loving feeling going for so long.  Chrissy Boyd Thursday, July 18, 2013 7:33:50 PM My ex is firefighter, and the shift work wasnt a problem as well as the danger of his job. It was that single ladies that wanted to be with firefighters and they didn't consider they have families or a wife.  Sammy Jo JW McDonald Thursday, July 18, 2013 8:25:48 PM Im a firefighter wife! It is hard but I wouldn't trade it for the world!!!   Keshia Sohrweide Thursday, July 18, 2013 10:31:41 PM Its a honor but also scary at times. but I know my husband wouldn't want to do anything else.  Casey Jones Friday, July 19, 2013 10:50:43 AM My boyfriend (soon to be fiance) is a firefighter and I would never ask nor wish for him to choose another profession. It is who he is and has been a part of his identity since long before we started dating. Like others have said, I do worry about him when he is on shift, but know that he is trained to do what he does (and does it well), and I know it is his aim as well as mine to have him home safe the next morning. The shift schedule described above sounds brutal compared to the department my boyfriend works for. I know all stations do it differently. For his station the volunteers come in whenever they choose, and just have a monthly requirement to fulfill. Now that he is a paid firefighter, he has a 24-on-48-off schedule, which leaves only one night where he can really go out, but is consistent, so its easy to plan around for the most part. I am a nurse and usually work three 12 hour shifts in a week. So I do worry about what it will be like when we are married and have kids and have to make our schedules such that someone is always home with the kids. Does anyone else have experience with having two people in a marriage that both do shift work?  Laura Beaver Friday, July 19, 2013 12:09:39 PM I am also a volunteer firefighter...and my partner has issues with me attending calls...its an ongoing struggle...I thought he was at first just being paranoid about it because I work side by side with so many men (and women but he's not worried about them)...but after talking alot about it he's very concerned about my safety...which leads me to believe that he needs to be more aware of what the fire service does and how there are SOOO many safety factors in place...yes there's still the possibility of injury...but so is there in walking down the street or driving your car to the store and back...I love what I do and hope he simmers down about it...like my children, my love for firefighting isn't going anywhere. :) I love what I do.  Shelby Verhine Bailey Saturday, July 20, 2013 5:04:20 AM I'm the proud wife of a firefighter/EMT. He has figured out how to get paid for doing what he loves. Of course I worry, but I know these guys and girls are well-trained. Accidents can happen anytime, anywhere, with any job. I will always support him from the home front.  Jackie George Mercurio Saturday, July 20, 2013 7:50:16 AM My future son in law is going to do the EMT training course starting next month. He is interested in the same type of work as Tony. My daughter may need to talk to you. :)  Tony Bailey Saturday, July 20, 2013 7:57:24 AM I wish the best for your soon to be son In law. the one thing to know about Fire and EMS is that you don't go to school and then jobs just fall out of the sky. He will have to pay his dues in the form of sweat and get his name known.  Kimmy Pfeiffer Tuesday, October 22, 2013 9:25:50 PM my dad was a cop and told me to steer clear of cops and firefighters...i can't help it though...i do love the firemen...shame on your ex   Kimmy Pfeiffer Tuesday, October 22, 2013 9:35:26 PM i loved running a household and being a mommy...i'm 44 now and would love to 'take care of' a hard working firefighter (and his kids if he had em, i just can't have anymore of my own and don't want to)...my girl is on her own and if i could find a firefighter to love, i would take really good care of him...i love my "me" time and am really good with texting and emails, i have my own interests (yoga, early childhhood education, online gaming, baseball) and life goals, and i'm patient, flexible, and i loved my ex firefighter to death...as a preschool teacher (in training) i want a man with a job that helps people and there aren't many these days...everything i read about being a firefighter wife makes me want it all the more <3 ladies="" lucky="" span="" you="">  Kammy Schell Tuesday, October 22, 2013 9:43:24 PM Being a firefighter wife is hard! It doesn't get easier, it gets bearable. You never stop worrying, you just don't react on the feelings as often, the emotions simmer down. Its and exciting way of life, knowing that at any moment he could get toned out and save a life or a home. On the other hand it's just that. At any moment. At any moment you could be calling someone to pick you up from the restaurant where the two of you were having dinner because you're now alone, at any moment you could be hosting a party without your spouse, at any moment they could be gone forever. You cherish them in a way that most people dream of. You have this grasp on how quickly a life can be taken and so you don't hold grudges, you forgive, you forget, you yell I love you from the door more often than not, you always kiss goodnight and never say goodbye because goodbye is forever and you cant imagine a day without him, you try to be the best spouse you can be, you keep arguments short and don't argue about anything more extreme than who's washing the dishes, which you end up doing with a smile on your face and suds on his head because you're secretly afraid, you're afraid that God will take him and would you rather have your last memory be fighting about dishes or the two of you being silly while doing them? It's not easy, but it's beautiful. Imagine holing a timer, you can hear it ticking but you cant see when it's going to go off, when you'll be out of time, that's what it's like to be the spouse of a firefighter. But that's just my opinion.  Mitzi Young Tuesday, October 22, 2013 9:44:23 PM Am a proud wife of a retire Lt for two months now a lot of worry nights praying for God to put a protecting shield around them for the last twenty-five years., he work 24 hour shifts off 48 but he worked side jobs doing remodeling or odd jobs with his brother who also was a firefighter or other firefighters and still .  Kammy Schell Tuesday, October 22, 2013 9:46:53 PM My husband and I are both firefighters and I hope that our future kids will follow in our footsteps and while the risk of losing a family member will obviously increase I fully believe it would be an honor   Eulogia S. Rojas Tuesday, October 22, 2013 10:47:05 PM I was never married to a fireman but if I ever did, then I 'd be proud of him and support him all the way!  Lisa Waterman Wednesday, October 23, 2013 3:23:22 AM I am the wife of a 30-year-now-retired firefighter who became a volunteer firefighter after retiring. I agree with a lot of what is said here. The hard stuff is having to do so much alone because of the shifts they work and the mandatory overtime. During storms I could always count on being alone. We have 4 children and I would be stuck in the snow with them at home with no power while he was at work with power. Planning anything on a regular schedule is impossible. We have a scanner so I listen to everything that's going on while he's working. Makes is easier, yet harder. I know when he's safe. It is difficult to listen when I know he is in a dangerous situation, but I trust him to take care of him. The hardest part is knowing what some of the stuff he sees does to him. Dealing with sometimes gruesome death can take a toll on you. The demand on your body to do the things they do at a moments notice, usually in the middle of sleeping is rough. But they do love what they do. Now that he volunteers, I know that at any moment the tones could go off and the birthday party or the romantic dinner or the in-depth discussion or the what-ever is going to be put aside so he can respond. You have to be a patient, loving, giving, understanding kind of person to make a relationship work with a firefighter. But the rewards you get, knowing the kind of person he is to do such a job, are immeasurable. I wouldn't want it any other way.  Paulla A Wessen Wednesday, October 23, 2013 5:07:01 AM Well said, Lisa. I have great respect for a Firefighter, Police Officer and Military Personnel....and a greater respect for their spouses, who give up, and go without, so much for then to protect us!!!! Wednesday, October 23, 2013 6:16:33 AM I love being married to a firefighter and proud to support him in his profession , yes I understand the risks but when that pager goes off I know most of the time Ill be right next to him doing what both of us love to do, its a standing joke between us that he is the crazy firefighter who goes into burning buildings and I'm his super hero emt ready to save him :) both of us love helping others and doing what we do , I appreciate the fact that we can discuss calls with each other and share this passion together it has brought a special closeness between us and has added a lot of spark to our marriage.....   Debbie Jones Barry Wednesday, October 23, 2013 11:30:10 AM I am the wife of a volley. early in our marriage he went down at a fire he got over heated it was scary. I am not only a wife of a volley but a mom to one as well and he works as a emt for a big company. I worry more about him while at work than at the fd. its hard at times but I am proud of them both  Debbie Jones Barry Wednesday, October 23, 2013 11:32:07 AM I have a hubby who is a volley and then my son joined the volley ranks when he turned 18 actually the chief gave him the best bday present a text saying he was a probby at 1201 am on 7/18  Rita Wallace Wednesday, October 23, 2013 11:49:14 AM We all prayed that same prayer over Larry and tommy. god bless all the wives who go through being a firemans wife and acops wife.  Ruby Sealey Wednesday, October 23, 2013 11:49:49 AM I am the wife of a volunteer fireman. I am very proud of my husband and what he does.   Helen Greathouse Thursday, October 24, 2013 9:05:11 AM Beautifully said, Lisa.