1. When it storms, are those puddles of rain or puddles of the combined urines of the streets? YOU’LL NEVER KNOW.
2. Those basement-level businesses, or floors in stores, make you wonder what the entire underworld of the city actually looks like.
3. There are countless germs literally everywhere, so good luck not getting sick!
4. The subway system could also be called “Underground Hell Tunnels.”
Also, WHEN DO THEY GET CLEANED?
5. The scent of street meat collides with your nose in a fight that you will lose every time.
6. WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO STAND IF THERE ARE DANCERS DANCING EVERYWHERE ON THE TRAIN?
7. Restaurants should stop being cash only, please. Please. PLEASE.
PLASTIC IS WHERE IT’S AT.
8. Garbage day’s unique stench simply engulfs you.
IT IS BURNED INTO YOUR NOSE FOREVER.
9. People there are way more fashionable on a Monday than you are on your best day, and that’s just not fair.
10. Apparently you have to tell taxi drivers the exact route to take (which means you should basically be driving anyways).
12. You can only go grocery shopping for the exact amount you can physically carry.
This is why cars were invented in the first place.
14. There are exactly zero Hair Cuttery locations in New York, which means you have to deal with SNOOTY SALON PEOPLE who will OVERCHARGE YOU over a SIMPLE HAIRCUT.
16. Oh, are five people sitting down? This restaurant is too packed, and it’ll be three hours until you can eat.
17. Neither you nor your umbrellas will find love because you’re too busy being worried about not getting stabbed in the eye by one.
18. Waiting underground for a train has melted you/your makeup/your hairspray/your soul.
19. People must LOVE suddenly remembering how lost they are on the sidewalk then quickly turning around. THEY MUST LOVE IT.
20. Windows gotta have metal bars on them because otherwise the house you’re living in wouldn’t be safe.
LOOKS LIKE A REAL FUN TIME.
21. The city is just a fun series of grates that you could fall through at any time.
22. Do you want to live in a closet and pay too much rent or live two hours away? Those are your only choices.
23. How can there be simultaneously not enough public restrooms AND only gross Starbucks bathrooms?
Just give us a safe place to pee, New York.
24. TIMES SQUARE IS NOT FUN IT IS ACTUALLY TERRIBLE PLEASE STOP BRINGING YOUR FAMILIES THERE.
25. Restaurants should assume that when you’re dining in a group, you will need separate checks.
PLEASE JUST UNDERSTAND YOUTH CULTURE.
26. There’s a total of four tolerable weeks per year. The rest of it is either Hades or Hoth.
But since you live here anyways, you might as well make the most of it.
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